Kiss me, Kill me

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Chapter Two


“I want to shoot,” Lucy said with a smile. Her friend Nathan handed the beauty a cold beer.

“Shoot what?” Nathan asked hesitantly.

“A gun,” Lucy whispered.


Lucy stood in the back of her store chatting with a sales associate. The store phone rang and then came a deafening silence. Another associate approached Lucy with caution and sadness; the phone call was from the chief of police.

“Lucy Marshall, I need to speak with you regarding your ex-fiancé Liam Reynolds.”

“Hi, what about Liam? I spoke with him two days ago,” Lucy explained.

“Miss Marshall…Liam Reynolds was found murdered last night. We found a note in Liam’s suit pocket that leads us to suspect a close friend of yours is responsible for his death. I will need you to come to the station immediately,” Detective Jones stated somberly.

Lucy was silent. She felt the way you do when first emerging from a nightmare. Lucy’s sales associate held her closely as tears streamed down her soft face. Harsh mascara streaks appeared on Lucy’s cheeks, and a moan of heartache emerged from within the fragile girl. She wanted to speak, to say anything, but there were no words. Flashbacks flooded back to her in strong, painful waves. They washed over her like a high tide.

“Lucy, I’m very sorry for your immense loss and I am here for support. We will find out what happened to Liam and justice will be served,” Detective Jones remarked.

As Lucy drove to the police station, hysterical, she realized Liam’s death wasn’t a coincidence. She clutched the diamond-heart necklace around her neck, which had been a gift from her anonymous stalker. She ripped it off and threw it out the window. The piece of jewelry disappeared among oncoming headlights. Her phone rang; it was Kenny. She answered and took a deep breath. Breathing hurt and so did existing.

“Lucy, where are you?” Kenny asked.

“I’m heading to the police station, Kenny. I’m sure you’ve heard about Liam. Will you be with me tonight?” Lucy wondered. She needed comfort.

“Lucy…I am at the police station being interrogated. They claim there was a note found in Liam’s pocket signed by me. They’re searching my house as we speak. Lucy, I would never kill a man. I would also never hurt you,” Kenny exclaimed.

A harsh gust of wind pushed against her sportscar. Lucy was quiet. She began questioning everything. She felt overwhelmed with feelings. Kenny still spoke in the background, but Lucy was unable to hear anything but her own, terrifying thoughts. The police station was visible ahead of her. She hung up the phone and ran into the beautiful, old building. A man greeted her with a metal detector. She stood there like a ghost. Detective Jones brought her into a tiny room, filled with files and a small seating area. He handed her the note which was found on Liam and said nothing. Lucy looked it over and felt as though she was going to be sick. The handwriting was identical to her stalker’s pretty marks. The note read:

Lucy, I am so sorry for what I have done. I always loved you and Liam was too foolish to appreciate what he had. He doesn’t deserve you and he doesn’t deserve to live for the pain he put you through. I’m the one who held you after he broke your heart too many times to count. I love you always Lucy, despite the fact that it has never been our time. Please forgive me.


She dropped the note to her lap and leaned her head back, releasing a painful sigh. Meanwhile, Kenny sat alone in a dark room with nothing but his mind to keep him company…none of it made any sense. Kenny never pursued her the way she wanted him to; if he killed out of love, there would’ve been a thrilling pursuit. She didn’t believe Kenny was the killer, but the police were banking on their theory. Detective Jones asked Lucy a series of questions, first about Liam and their tangled relationship, and then about Kenny. She was exhausted, but there is no rest for the heartbroken.


Two days had passed since the death of Liam and the fall of Kenny and Lucy’s passionate friendship. Her stalker fell silent, which scared Lucy, because she knew there’d be more to come. She sat at the police station once again, but this time she was in the room with Detective Jones and Kenny. He looked broken and dazed. His eyes were distant and his strength had vanished. She had never seen him like that before, but when she looked at him she still saw her dear friend and lover.

“Lucy, I have brought you here today to share with you new evidence in the killing of Liam Reynolds,” Detective Jones explained as Lucy bowed her head for just a moment, for Liam. She pictured him alone and cold, which killed her.

Kenny watched as Lucy grieved quietly. He wanted to hold her. Detective Jones placed a bloody knife on the table in front of them both. Lucy’s eyes grew to the size of a full moon. Kenny retreated into a dark place, trying to escape the insanity around him. The weapon was massive and Lucy instantly felt the sharp tip piercing through her skin. Liam was stabbed multiple times.

“We recovered this weapon from Kenny’s house. The blood on the knife is an exact match…Lucy, your friend is going on trial for Liam’s murder. I will need you to testify and to take the stand, which will be one week from today,” Detective Jones said firmly and without remorse.

Lucy felt faint and as if the life she once knew had shattered completely. A part of her was madly in love with Kenny, who was now going on trial for the murder of her ex-fiance. She was ready to speak up about her stalker and a possible connection, but she couldn’t breathe. She could feel Kenny’s touch and taste his lips. The pain was way too deep.

“Lucy, you have to believe me! I didn’t kill Liam. I’m being set up. I promise you someone is trying to frame me. Please, help me fight this,” Kenny yelled as guards escorted him out of the room. On his way out he tried reaching for her. She looked at him and it was incredibly hard to see the man she spent countless nights with, cuddled up in sheets, being dragged away by armed guards.

It was days before the trial and Lucy was living in a perpetual nightmare. Kenny and Liam both haunted her, every second of the day. She felt them with every exhale. She went to Detective Jones and told him about the dangerous game she had become involved in. He believed Kenny was her stalker, and after comparing the note found on Liam and the notes Lucy received, they were identical. As she was leaving the police station she noticed a piece of paper sticking out of her glove box. She pulled the paper out and screamed; the paper was covered in what appeared like blood.

Lucy, I’m sorry about Liam. Kenny didn’t kill him; I did. Yes, this page is smeared with his blood. I need to remove those closest to you from your life so that you can dedicate more time to us. I know you’re dying to know who I am, right? I am very sad that you threw the beautiful necklace I bought for you out the window, but I bought you another one. It’s waiting for you at home. Please, put it on. If you show this letter to the police I will slit Kenny’s throat and I promise you, they won’t find that murder weapon. Have a good weekend and best of luck at the trial.”

Lucy jumped out of her car, trying not to stumble in her designer heels. She ran into the police station and demanded to see Kenny, immediately. Tears covered her face and Detective Jones looked puzzled. He was beginning to realize the case he found himself a part of was far from simple. Detective Jones liked to tie up his cases with perfect, little bows, but this murder wasn’t going to be easy to put to rest. He sat Kenny down across from Lucy and allowed them a supervised visit. Kenny looked at the girl he admired and felt dizzy from memories. She reached under the table and touched his hand, which sent chills through his body. The handcuffs had created scars on his wrists, but those little scars were the least of his worries.

“You know I didn’t kill him, don’t you?” Kenny questioned.

“Yes, of course I do. I always did. I am sorry I didn’t act quicker. The game has me questioning everything, Kenny. I found a letter in my car this morning from my stalker and it was covered in Liam’s blood. My stalker admitted to killing Liam. I need to plead with the judge and find a way to convince them that you are being framed,” Lucy said with a determined look.

“Lucy, you need to hand that letter over to Detective Jones,” Kenny exclaimed.

“I can’t do that Kenny,” Lucy replied.

“Why on earth not? You need to do something or I am going to be sent away for a crime I didn’t commit. This stalker of yours isn’t playing a game anymore Lucy…”

“My stalker said that if I bring the letter to Detective Jones your throat will be slit, and I’m sorry but we now know that these threats aren’t empty,” Lucy cried.

“Lucy, I will be fine. Please, show Detective Jones right now.”

Kenny looked into her fiery brown eyes and she knew that they had no other option. She’d protect Kenny, even if she had to lose herself to do so.

She turned the letter in to Detective Jones and returned home, saying goodbye to Kenny until tomorrow. She woke up to a phone call from Detective Jones.

”Good morning Lucy, are you feeling okay about today’s trial?” He questioned.

”No, this trial has me craving liquor and answers,” she expressed.

”Well, have a drink after the trial today. Answers are always present. We just need to ask the right questions,” Detective Jones said simply.

The courthouse was crowded with people, and Lucy caught the attention of many. She wore the new necklace from her stalker, who had left a note asking to be called “Omisha”. Omisha is a female name meaning “the spirit of birth and death”. Lucy told Detective Jones her stalker could be in fact a female. He informed her that a stalker as clever as her own wouldn’t be dumb enough to reveal his or her gender. The game was far from over, which meant the name was mentioned to distract Lucy from the truth.

Feeling broken is often inevitable, but Lucy wanted the aches to disappear. What was truly sad was that Liam’s death had more to do with Lucy than himself. Omisha only cared about one person, and that was Lucy. Everyone else was merely a part of the cruel game on Omisha’s way to take the queen.

At the trial, Lucy sat in a crowded court room wearing a perfect, black, designer dress and eight-inch nude heels. She wore her hair back in a high, curly ponytail and the red lipstick she wore distracted even the jury. The judge looked at Kenny and then at Lucy. Detective Jones announced that the blood on the letter Lucy received was a positive match to Liam Reynolds. He also noted that Kenny’s handwriting wasn’t a match to the writing which appeared in the letters. Lucy felt sick. She shut her eyes tightly and then looked at Kenny, who was noticeably shaking. He could still calm her nerves, despite where he found himself. Lucy bit her lip as they asked Kenny countless questions, many of which had everything to do with his feelings towards her.

His answers gave her goosebumps. The words were true and delicate. Lucy faced the judge and addressed the jury. She looked beautiful and poised, but on the inside she was screaming.

“Miss Marshall, please explain honestly why you don’t believe that Kenny killed your ex-fiance.”

“Kenny is a good person with a kind soul. He saved me when I fell down the rabbit hole and brought me back to life. When he looks at me, I know he actually sees me, and I see him too. A person like Kenny doesn’t wake up one morning and decide to murder someone; leaving behind the life he has built, for the life of a criminal. He also would never hurt me…and killing Liam hurt me, incredibly. I brought letters and the knowledge of a relentless stalker to the attention of Detective Jones. I am wearing a necklace around my neck which Omisha, my stalker told me to wear. The necklace possesses one of my favorite minerals. I bet if you ask Kenny what mineral can be found in my necklace, he won’t know the answer…but my stalker, the one who killed Liam does,” Lucy spoke. She took a breath and the judge looked over at Kenny.

“Kenny, do you know what mineral is found in Miss Marshall’s necklace? Detective Jones is aware of what mineral is present in the jewelry.”

Kenny couldn’t name one mineral. He looked at Lucy and thanked her without words. Kenny could’ve been lying about not knowing what mineral was found in her necklace, but the final say was left to the jury and the judge. Kenny was comfortable with taking a lie detector test. A friend of his also came to his rescue by giving an alibi at the time of Liam’s death. Lucy made sure his friend would show up; she’s would’ve done anything to save Kenny.

“Alexandrite is the mineral found in Miss Marshall’s necklace. Minerals aren’t easily recognized or remembered. Lucy was once a collector of minerals, which she apparently never shared with you,” Detective Jones stated.

Silence filled the court room as the judge announced that a verdict had been made. Lucy froze and she looked at Kenny, hoping he could feel her support through her gaze.

“In the case of the Commonwealth verses Kenny Drake…we find the defendant not guilty of murder in the first degree.”

Lucy cried and smiled at Kenny. He looked down at the floor and she knew he was tearing up. A text appeared on Lucy’s phone from an unknown number.

Oh, Lucy…do you think this is over? Good job beautiful, but you better start running. Kenny is a dead man walking and you will make a gorgeous corpse. Sleep tight angel. Love, Omisha”.


Rounds of bullets propelled into a target, leaving their mark. Lucy aimed the gun at her desired target and shot. Her long hair was pulled back in a pony tail and she wore tall, black, high-heeled boots. Nathan appeared beside her and smiled. She was getting good. She was focused and determined; if only Nathan truly knew what was going on in her pretty, little mind as she was firing rounds. The investigation of Liam’s murder was ongoing, and at night Lucy felt tormented by ghosts of her past. Kenny was safe for the time being, but Lucy was worried. She was worried for herself and those she loved. Omisha was everywhere and nowhere, all at once.

“You better start running,” Lucy whispered under her breath as she cocked the gun back. She bit down on her cherry red lips. Nathan looked at his friend; he was blown away by the powerful and strong person that she was.

“You’re one hell of a storm Lucy,” Nathan said with a smirk.

“Sweetheart, you have no idea,” Lucy responded.


Kiss me, Kill me

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drama / mystery / romance

Welcome to my new blog series…are you ready for sex, scandal, & murder? Enjoy. Xx


Lucy lives a great portion of her life in secret, and she feels more comfortable among strangers. She craves adventure and lives for long nights, but one morning she wakes up to find herself a part of a dangerous game. Someone wants the beauty dead, but who? Lucy needs to find out the truth…before it’s too late.

Chapter One

“Ready, set, run…” a voice whispered, as a shadowy figure studied the picture of a pretty girl.

Lucy posed for a glamorous selfie on the balcony of a city restaurant. The likes flooded in on social media as she posted a photo in her expensive gown. Her natural, beachy hair flowed back behind her, and an inviting smile was enhanced by rose colored lips. The white evening dress she wore clung to her curves and glistened beneath outdoor string lights. She smiled at the city where she spent many nights falling in love and growing up; her phone began to ring. She glanced at the name which appeared on the screen.

“Hey you,” she said to the voice on the other end of the phone. A cab screeched below her and she looked down at the wild city streets.

“What’re you doing?” The voice asked.

“I’m at a restaurant opening in the city, but afterwards I’m all yours,” she flirted.

“I’ll leave the door unlocked for you,” the deep voice said. She hung up and grinned. It was a beautiful night with beautiful potential.

She hopped into her sports car and looked in the rear view mirror. A hooded figure stood a few feet behind the vehicle, surrounded by darkness. She gasped, but within seconds the shadowy image vanished. Lucy got out of her car and looked around. She was a fearless girl, with lots of stories to tell. Suddenly, she felt as though something was terribly wrong…she felt haunted.

An overly dressed and tired Lucy arrived at Kenny’s house. Kenny was an old friend, and although he was emotionally unavailable, she was crazy about him. There was something about his seriousness and bad attitude that turned her on, like a light switch. He found Lucy to be a lot of fun and wildly attractive, but he wasn’t up for the commitment. He appeared at the front door as she emerged from her sexy car. An absolute vision, standing in the driveway in a white gown caught Kenny off guard.

He wasn’t one for handing out compliments, but there was no denying she was a flame. She possessed an old Hollywood look, and Kenny always thought she belonged on the screen of a 1940’s film. She liked to think she stepped right out of an old black and white romance, filled with lots of drama and intrigue. Lucy lived as if the cameras were following her, and that is what made the twenty two year old so interesting. Kenny unzipped her gown, and she kissed his neck as the dress formed a shimmery, cloth puddle on the floor. She took off her bra and thong and he threw her onto the bed. Kenny was rough with her, but she loved it. His strength and powerful gaze made her feel weak, in the best possible way.

A loud moan drifted through his house as he thrusted into her one last time. She bit her lip and touched his face. The way he looked at her in those moments contradicted his words regarding how he felt for her. She had eyes like a window, and you could feel her soul touch you when you looked at her. Kenny helped her through a painful breakup, which brought them closer. She always said that he saved her, and not just from pain, but from herself.

She laid in his bed with a sheet wrapped around her naked body, and he returned to her with eager hands. There was an expression on her face Kenny hadn’t seen before. She looked anguished…

“Are you okay?” Kenny asked, as she looked at him innocently.

“I saw a hooded figure standing behind my car tonight, just as I was getting ready to leave, and when I was doing my makeup before the restaurant opening, I kept feeling as though someone was watching me,” Lucy admitted with troubled eyes.

“I think you had too much wine tonight,” Kenny laughed.

“Kenny, I’m serious…someone’s watching me.”

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” He questioned.

“I’d love to, but would that be weird for you?” Lucy wondered.

“I’m okay with it, and with waking up next to your naked body,” Kenny said with a wink.

“Do you still hear from your ex?” Kenny was curious.

“Yes, but then he disappears again leaving me wondering. Liam will never truly change, Kenny. I still remember the morning he left,” Lucy spoke with somber eyes.

She was taken back to the breakup, instantly. It was Christmas morning and Lucy was decked out in a red, sequin maxi dress, and her hair was pulled up in a bun. Her ruby red lips glistened as she spoke sweetly to a voice on the other end of the phone. She had been talking to her brother, who was unable to fly back from London for the holidays. He worked as a political liaison and traveled frequently; their relationship consisted of phone calls and badly written, late night emails. Lucy looked down at her gorgeous, diamond ring and sighed. Liam had been distant for weeks and Lucy demanded that they talk. They sat together drinking egg nog, beneath the Christmas tree, and by the time they stood up their relationship was over. Her brown eyes filled with stinging tears and her heart ached. He no longer knew who he was or what he wanted, and that included Lucy. She took off the ring which once meant everything to her and locked herself in the bathroom. Liam eventually left that day leaving Lucy with nothing but a ring and unanswered questions. She called Kenny that night and climbed into his bed, feeling lost and broken. Lucy emerged from her walk down memory lane and Kenny was staring at her intently.

“When a person leaves you it’s about them, not about you. Try to remember that,” Kenny reminded her. Lucy kissed him passionately as they cuddled up under the covers.

Lucy awoke to Kenny kissing her body. She turned over and looked into his piercing eyes. He kissed her soft lips and she smiled, just slightly. She would always love him, but sadly she knew they’d never be together. She never heard the words “I love you” from him, and she wasn’t sure if that meant he didn’t love her, or he was simply too afraid to open that door. She said goodbye to him and headed home. Chloe, her cat and Luna, her Golden Retriever appeared next to her, as she plopped her burgundy purse onto the dining room table. She still felt unsteady, but she had to get ready for work. She was the manager of a large pet store called, Pawprints. She smelled of his cologne and that made her happy.

The sun shone fiercely through white curtains; Lucy looked out her bedroom window at the quiet suburban street. A note was taped to her vanity…

She looked fearful as she pulled the note off of the mirror and began to read the pretty handwriting.

Good morning beautiful,

I hope you don’t mind, but I let myself in last night and I made myself at home. Before you leave for work I need you to pick…truth or dare. If you don’t pick, I will make the choice for you. Leave your answer on the note and place it inside the mailbox. I’ll be seeing you soon.”

Lucy froze and felt as though she was going to be sick. Someone had broken into her home and they wanted to play a game. There was a knock at the front door, but she was too afraid to move. Luna barked loudly, and Lucy ran downstairs and opened up the door, cautiously. It was a postal man with a package. She played it cool and smiled at the man holding her mail. She ripped open the box as Luna jumped up to see what was inside. Sadly, it wasn’t a box of dog treats. It was a jewelry box with a note attached which read, “Wear me”. The necklace was a fire red heart outlined in small diamonds.

She was flirting with disaster, but Lucy had to find out who was stalking her, and the only way to uncover the truth was to play the game. A determined look appeared on her face as she stuck the orinigal note inside the mailbox, with “Dare” written at the bottom. She put the necklace on and slammed the mailbox shut, before heading to work. She called Kenny as she was walking into her store.

“Kenny, I need your help. I need to see you later, please,” Lucy pleaded.

“Yes, of course. You can stop by after work tonight. Are you okay?” He questioned.

“I’m not sure, but maybe with your help I will be,” Lucy responded.

As Kenny was heading to his job that morning, a hooded figure left a surprise for him in the form of a murder weapon…and the fun was just beginning.

The art of letting go

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When it hurts to hold on, let go. When you’ve been watering a dead flower for far too long, smile and put down the watering can. I promise it’ll be okay. Letting go can be painful, but it can also be healing. I’ve let go of toxic people, relationships, bad habits, and of unhappy work environments. Sometimes it’s the only choice we have left. When you’re feeling lost and uncertain about letting go of something, or someone just remember that it’s never the end…it’s only the beginning.

I still believe, despite everything I’ve been through, that everything happens for a reason; if you let something go and it returns, it was always yours. If not, it never was (no matter how cliche that may sound). I’m sure that time will heal my old wounds and will reveal the truth to me. Letting go of a relationship hurts like hell, but holding on when the other person has already let go is suffocating. If it isn’t healthy or fulfilling, move on. Moving on is easier than it feels in the moment of heartache. It may take a few dark nights and many wandering days to come to terms with reality, and that’s okay. Wander and fall apart my darlings, until you’re strong enough to start over.

There’s a lot to remember when letting go of a relationship that once brought you happiness and love. If you truly don’t know yourself and what you want, you’ll never be happy in a future relationship. If the person you’re currently with doesn’t know what they want, or they don’t have the motivation to chase their dreams (alongside you) then it isn’t the right relationship. Life is about passion, adventure, and balance. To find your balance you need to take risks and fall in love with the life you live, which leads to adventure and passion. You also have to be brave enough to follow your heart and quiet your head. Sometimes, your head is too reasonable. Life isn’t simple or straight forward. If it feels right to you, you don’t need a reason or an explanation.

Letting go of the past and your demons is difficult. I view my demons as old, shadowy friends. They still show up from time to time, but I’ve learned to embrace even the darkest of nights. Without the darkness I’d never appreciate the light. It’s hard to let go of something that lives within you. After I was raped I was told to just let go and to move on…it isn’t that easy, and I understand that better than anyone. It’s impossible to forget something that created permanent scars. Scars become an essential part of you. Embrace those scars. You need to know when it’s healthy to let go and when it isn’t. There are no rules or any rush to letting go. Do it at your own pace and don’t allow others to influence the process. Everything is up to you and your heart. Take a moment to think about what makes you crazy happy and keep your passions close. Don’t be afraid to say goodbye to someone or something, because happiness is a priority. You need YOU more than you need anyone else.

Breathe in, breathe out, and let go.


Lizzie Mognoni

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drama / Fiction / romance

My book is available for purchase and I wanted to take the time to go behind the scenes with my readers with Deployed. This is far from a typical love story. Be prepared for gasps and sighs, because Katherine (the protagonist) creates more drama and passion than anyone. She’s a firecracker. My favorite novel growing up was The Great Gatsby, and whenever I think about Katherine’s ferocity I’m reminded of Daisy. Both women are strong, passionate, and they live wildly. It’s a beautiful thing, to live as if there are no rules or boundaries.

Katherine reminds us that love isn’t always about following the rules, and the emotion brings out the best and the worst in people. Deployed is filled with chaos, beauty, and pain. I’ve been asked countless times if Katherine is based off me, hence the dramatic cover shot of me at Blueberry Hill. Katherine is the darkest version of myself, to answer that question, and many of her painful moments in the book I, too experienced. We are both victims of assault (I was sexually assaulted as a teenager), we’ve both dealt with emotional turmoil in relationships, and losing ourselves along the way. Katherine makes complicated choices when it comes to love and battles with depression. She breaks the mold to the romance genre and isn’t afraid to make waves.

She’s far from perfect, and she lives in a perpetual story of her own creation (in gorgeous outfits, of course), just like I did after I was raped. My sleepless nights and wandering days felt very similar to being Alice lost in Wonderland. I admire Katherine’s darkness and her light. She is one of my favorite characters I have ever written about, because I understand her. She takes the romance genre and shakes it up! The men in the story are broken, strong, and romantic. I always write about people I know or have known, because they’re wrapped up in my thoughts. Trey is based off a real man, as is Matthew. But, if I told you all about that, I’d have to kill you…(wink, wink).

One of the most interesting characters from Deployed is Katherine’s “bad boy” father. Brian is a character based off Katherine’s fierce personality. Fierce children are raised by fierce parents. Katherine falls into a romance very similar to her parent’s powerful relationship, which survived years of uncertainty. Every single character in this story is damaged, and that is how the people we love pull us in close. We fall for a person’s flaws and attributes. The title Deployed comes from the background aspect of war which takes place in the novel, but deploy also means to utilize, take action, and exploit. Katherine takes action in her life to always get what she wants, exploits her strongest attributes to make strong impressions, and utilizes what she has in the moment in order to move forward.

Katherine may break the rules and test the waters, but she endured so much pain from Matthew, and others that she vowed to “follow her heart, despite her head”. No matter how controversial, she’s an incredible person with a lot of fire and passion. Remember ladies and gents, life is messy, just like our hearts. Now, it’s time to get caught up in the pages of Deployed, and allow Katherine to take you on a sexy and dramatic adventure.

Order Deployed today through

Go to & search Deployed Lizzie Mognoni 🙂

Check my Facebook, Instagram, and blog daily so that you do not miss the latest on Deployed. Please write a review on after finishing the novel. Thank you so much my darlings, and enjoy.

Upcoming posts about Deployed?

What’s Katherine wearing?

The Deployed Playlist

& more…

Also stay tuned for my new blog series, which is filled with thrills, chills, & allure.





Late night words

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personal / Uncategorized

You came into my life like a hurricane and I was a flower in desperate need of rain. You were there through the darkness, the fear, the uncertainty, but I was too scared and naive to jump. You’re all my heart ever talks about & I can’t quiet the whispers, but you’re just a thought. You’re not a reality and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you. I miss the simple nights spent going for walks and venting to each other. I miss the tangled nights in your car…listening to music and your voice, and sitting next to you while you smoked. I miss being carefree and young with you. You made me feel alive and you took me away from a lot of pain. You were so different than any other person in my life, and before I knew it I had fallen for you. I could take you like a dangerous drug. I fell for your darkness and your touch.

I was in such a complicated place then, and I wish I could rewrite a few sentences, but there is no rewind button. Life is about smiling because it happened, even if it ends. I think about who we were to each other and our memories on rainy days. We were a beautiful risk, but I don’t regret any of it. I don’t regret the girl I was with you or the late night passion. I think about the way you made me feel when I’m taking a shot of something strong, or when I’m slipping into sky-high heels. I think about the conversations that meant nothing and the ones that meant everything. Thank you for igniting my soul and for taking me somewhere incredible.

Here’s to you and one of my favorite chapters to read over and over again, Xo.


Be alone not lonely

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To be lonely is to feel an ache in your heart, but to be alone is to be strong and independent. I’m going to teach you an incredibly important lesson ladies and gents, about being content with being alone. When you’re alone you are 100% yourself, so be fun, creative, and brilliant, and steer clear of sadness, my loves.

When I was growing up there were times when I had little to no friends. I went to a few different schools (I was a private school girl for years) and I dealt with mean, insecure girls every where I went. I was always outgoing, vibrant, and a lot to handle (in a good way) but that doesn’t always make you miss popularity. In fact, girls who suffer from insecurity tend to like the less bubbly girl far more, because she isn’t a threat. It’s easy to compete with someone who has no shine. I came home every day feeling left out, but I had my animals…they were my best friends. I literally don’t know what I would’ve done without them! I was lonely…not alone. When you’re young you constantly crave that attention from other people, but the older you get the more you realize that at the end of the day, all you need is YOU. Bullying faded away the older and more confident I became. I have beautiful, incredible people in my life now. I am thankful for the ones who’ve never left.

I quickly realized after I was raped, that I don’t need others to feel happy and fulfilled. I need the fire inside of me and a ton of passion. I was always a writer, which kept me from losing it! I now am a writer, a dancer, a fashion/retail professional, an animal owner/advocate, and insanely happy with the life I’ve created. I now LOVE to be alone. I love my time to myself, whether I’m spending the day going on an adventure, or I’m writing and watching Netflix. I was in a four year relationship that ended fairly recently, and although he’s still a part of my life, I was afraid that I would fall apart without him with me 24/7. When you go from waking up next to a person, and falling asleep next to them every single day, to not having them around as much (or at all) it can feel as if your world is ending. I promise, nothing is that earth shattering, even if it feels like it in the moment. I was sad and shocked when the breakup first happened, and I still have my moments, of course. But, I have learned to embrace my alone time. I am strong and independent and I have the passion to keep going, with or without others. It’s important to find out who you are, separate from other people. At the end of the day what you feel, want, and need is what truly matters.

Regardless of what you’re dealing with (a break up, a friendship ending, normal life stresses, a death, feeling lost, etc.) don’t be lonely…just be content with yourself. There is always another day for friends, meeting new people, and falling in love. But, sometimes life becomes too hectic and there’s not enough time for you to invest in yourself and your own goals. If you’re beginning to feel yourself slip into the “lonely” realm fall in love with a new hobby, or get a second job (if money is your current goal). Focus your energy on something positive and worthwhile. Although alcohol isn’t a cure-all by any means, sometimes all I need is a good book and a glass of wine. Unwind, release any negativity that is dragging you down, take a deep breath, and relax. It isn’t a crime to enjoy time alone and away from the rest of the world. We actually need time to ourselves, along with spending time with the people we love. We’d lose ourselves completely if we never had a moment alone. Silence can be haunting, but it can also be healing.

One way to always feel lonely (and like crap) is to constantly view yourself as having nothing, and no one. Even if you’re in a period of time where you don’t have a lot of friends or family beside you, that doesn’t mean you have nothing. Loneliness is a state of mind. As I always say, fake it until you make it. If you aren’t happy, smile anyway and before you know it, that smile will be authentic. Negativity is a bad habit. Positive, upbeat people flock to other positive people. Your vibe attracts your tribe! If you’ve been feeling lonely for far too long, it’s time to change your attitude and embrace being alone and never lonely. It sounds confusing, but it’s pretty simple. Spend your days loving every breath you take, and soon enough you’ll have a perfect balance; days spent on your own (feeling good about yourself), and days spent with the right people surrounding you. I survived the worst because I gave myself no other option. Fight for yourself and a happy life.

I wish everyone the best on their journey to finding happiness, peace, and balance. There’s a fire inside all of us…go ignite those flames, even if you’re doing it alone.