A familiar scent greeted me as I walked through a lonely parking lot. It was an intoxicating and comforting smell…it was a smell that reminded me of someone. The smoke took me back to warm, summer nights when I felt happy and playful. I wanted to run towards the smell and breathe it in, hoping that would make me feel close to you.

The smoke was potent and addicting. It was everything you are…a beautiful drug. I clung to that smell and that fleeting moment, but the smoke faded away. I craved the smell again. I sat in my car, listening to one of my favorite songs, thinking of you. Quiet moments, entangled in thought and music are my favorite. Those moments are clear and healing. The lyrics from my favorite song are beautiful and complicated, and suddenly the words became all about you. It was impossible to escape the feelings and the butterflies.

I drove and sang. I drove and remembered every little moment, even the simple ones. The deep conversations, the late nights, the connection, the laughter, the vulnerability. All of it. I knew I was forever wrapped up in eyes that saw me when no one else did. The way you looked at me hit differently.

It was a hard pill to swallow, realizing that sometimes the person we crave the most, the moments that make us feel most alive are hard to catch and hold onto, just like smoke. Sometimes, what we want more than anything suffocates us and consumes us, like smoke in our lungs.

I arrived home and lit a candle. The flame flickered and cast a pretty silhouette on the wall. I let the candle burn for a moment. Then, I blew out the candle and allowed the smoke to envelope me. The smoke was the closest I could get to being near you. The smoke faded away and I was left with my thoughts and a glass of wine.