I turned thirty next to the glow of white Christmas tree lights. Many memories and moments came flooding back to me, some of which felt incredibly distant. I remember being twenty-two, the year he fell in love with me. Everything is different now.
I remember the morning glow on a Saturday as a little girl. The comfort I felt waking up with my toys and my imagination was everything. If that little girl could see who I’ve become, resilient and authentic, she’d be proud. She’d hate the tears that fell this year, though. I hope the tears water the flowers that will bloom next year.
I roamed around the house late at night, soaking in the stillness. The laundry was ready to be put away, and my new books were begging to be read. I grasped my wine glass and exhaled the past year. The cold Chardonnay tasted like adulthood. The playlist that drifted through the house hit me like a wave crashing. My OCD has been clinging to me, like fallen leaves on wet sidewalks.
As I turned another year older, I thought a lot about what I know, without a doubt. I know that peace isn’t expensive…it’s an early morning, a favorite candle lit, or a glass of wine with a good friend. I understand that the world right now is scary and not what I imagined it to be when I was younger. I know that the beautiful people in my life mean the world to me. I know that there is something magical about the winter and the holiday season. And, I know that I love presents, but the greatest gift of all is happiness, the kind of happiness you feel as a child at play, or when someone first falls for you…when you’re twenty-two and wild.
She sat in the stillness of her cozy bedroom, moonlight dancing on the walls. A quiet drifted through the house, a quiet she was still getting acquainted with. As she sipped her favorite wine, she was reminded of them, nights on the porch, and meaningful conversation. She sat down to write but realized that every word was consumed with thoughts about what didn’t happen and what she wished had. Every word was about them.
She ached for moments that felt so distant. She craved the daydreams that made her smile. Rain hit her window, and thunder roared in the distance. In that nighttime haze, she realized you can’t choose who stays or who leaves. You can’t choose who breaks you or who heals you. We’re just waiting for different people to crash into us and to either set our world on fire or wound us.
She was trying to forget the feelings, the moments of what-ifs, and the butterflies. They weren’t going to set her world on fire or heal her. But she would never forget the moment they crashed into her and how that collision made her feel. They made her feel alive, and they made her question so much about herself, questions we’re all afraid to ask, but we all should. They were never quite right, but she fell for all that was rebellious and wrong about them. She fell for the connection, the moments of vulnerability, and the attention.
The waves of moonlight shifted in her bedroom as she lay on her bed. Her head spun from the wine and the thoughts of them. The rain fell harder, and the night felt heavier. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. The story may have ended, but she’d always have the page folded on their chapter because it would always be one of her favorites.
We tether ourselves to other people without ever knowing if they’ll cut the cord or remain connected to us. We never know who will save us or who will wreck us. There’s beauty in the uncertainty, like not knowing the end of a good book. There’s also pain awaiting us in every chapter.
Just like a boat tethered to a dock, I tethered to you, when I was young and full of dreams. Through the years I’ve changed and I’ve grown up. Just like a boat, I’ve had to weather many storms. Some storms leave an aftermath that is a permanent imprint.
We choose the people we want to be part of our story, and sometimes, like magic, they find us and choose us. Some souls connect with ours instantly and we find safety in them. We crave those souls when the tears fall and the days become too much. Those souls can be friends, crushes, lovers, partners.
When we are forced to face reality and the challenges of life, we look to those we are tethered to for reassurance and comfort. Sometimes, we need to face the darkness alone though. We need to ride the waves and wait for the stillness. There’s no way of ever truly knowing. We never know who will surprise us, who will refuse to let go, or who will become a stranger.
Maybe, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that we need to tether ourselves to more than other souls. We need to tether to peace, happiness, and inspiration. Then, it’s okay if the souls we love wreck us and wound us. We will still be tethered and anchored to something strong and unwavering. Peace, happiness, and inspiration are always within us, even during the toughest chapters. We always have the option to dig deep and find the joy and the comfort again, even after heartache, even after the tether breaks.
Every little thing I do I hope you see. I hope you notice the words I write, the songs I play, the photos I take. I hope you think of me when pretty lyrics drift out of your speakers. I hope you think of me when you look up at a sky filled with a million stars.
I look in the mirror and curl my hair, hoping you notice the way my hair drapes over my shoulder. I put on my favorite lipstick, and I hope you notice. When your eyes meet mine I hope you see me…the girl who loves with her entire heart and the girl who isn’t afraid to fight. When we are together I hope you feel safe and free to be whoever you want to be, the way I feel with you.
I have a bad day and I even hope you notice my sadness and my anger. I hope you notice my vulnerability. I take longer than usual to put on an outfit I think you’d like, but do you notice? I laugh and I hope you notice my smile and joy spread across my face. I hope you notice the perfume I sprayed on my body, a scent that is playful and light.
I’d sit with you through your darkness, just to be close to you. If I could, I’d take away your hard days just to see you truly happy. I hope you notice my love for you is authentic and deep.
Just know, every time I do my hair and wear a pretty outfit it’s for you. Every time I play a favorite song and sing it out loud, it’s for you. Every time I push myself to work a little harder and be a little better, it’s for you. Every time I take a sip of wine and let my hair down, it’s for you.
As someone with OCD and anxiety, I am no stranger to overthinking and trying to escape the roller coaster of thoughts. Sometimes, all it takes to turn off the negative energy is to refocus your mind. This list is for my over-thinkers…
10 Things to Think About Instead of What’s Bothering You
Think about five things you’re so grateful for…a roof over your head, a favorite sweater, your friends and family.
Think about your favorite movie and the characters that made you fall in love with it. What do you love about the movie? Who’s your favorite actor in the movie?
Think about your “perfect” day. What does your ideal day look like? Take a moment to think about it and plan for that day. Does your perfect day take you to the park with a book? Or, on a day trip to the city?
Think about a recipe you love to make. Make a mental list of the ingredients in the recipe.
Think about one thing you want to achieve this month. Do you want to take up a new hobby or declutter your closet?
Think about something you love about yourself. This can be your sense of humor, a physical trait, or your strength.
Think about a favorite childhood activity. What was it? Why did you love it so much? How can you tie that into your adult life?
Think about a person you admire and look up to. What traits of theirs do you think highly of?
Think about the weather. What’s the weather like today? What’s your favorite kind of weather?
Think about a small, attainable project you can plan for. Maybe there’s a small home project you can tackle on your own such as painting a room or redecorating your bedroom. Or, maybe there’s a craft project you’ve been dying to do.
Whenever you’re having a rough day, take a moment to read this list. Remember, we are always capable of changing our state of mind.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, but trust doesn’t come easily for me. I’ve been knocked to the ground more times than I can count, but don’t worry…I always get back up. After lying on the ground, I’ve firmly planted my roots. There are rips in my jeans and dust on my boots, but I’m stronger and wiser than before.
Despite the pain, my eyes don’t lie and my heart loves to love. I thought I knew all of the rules and could play the game, but the wild ride got the best of me. Life is messy, this I know. Baby, this isn’t my first rodeo.
If you think I can’t handle something, you’re wrong. I’m not afraid of the dark or the quiet days. I’ve lived it all…the chaos, the lies, the anxiety. My story is filled with plenty of storms, but I’ve never lost my fondness for the sky. Sunsets still speak to me in a language I understand. Sunrises still inspire me.
Despite the pain, my eyes don’t lie and my heart loves to love. I thought I knew all of the rules and could play the game, but the wild ride got the best of me. Life is messy, this I know. Baby, this isn’t my first rodeo.
I’ve chosen to feel the warmth, even after being greeted by the cold. Each chapter comes with belly laughs and pillowcases wet with tears. I appreciate the good and the bad, because how could I ever truly feel happiness without the heartache? I don’t have regrets, but there are a few moments I’d love to forget.
Despite the pain, my eyes don’t lie and my heart loves to love. I thought I knew all of the rules and could play the game, but the wild ride got the best of me. Life is messy, this I know. Baby, this isn’t my first rodeo.
A glass of wine tastes different to me now and song lyrics hit hard. I finally understand why thunderstorms are so beautiful and why the rare encounter of a rainbow is breathtaking. After all of it, my favorite things are still the little things…a cup of coffee in a pretty mug, a relaxing walk, and moments spent with the ones who see me. I’ll never lose the desire to gallop and to hold on tight, but I’ll never forget how the fall felt.
Despite the pain, my eyes don’t lie and my heart loves to love. I thought I knew all of the rules and could play the game, but the wild ride got the best of me. Life is messy, this I know. Baby, this isn’t my first rodeo.
A familiar scent greeted me as I walked through a lonely parking lot. It was an intoxicating and comforting smell…it was a smell that reminded me of someone. The smoke took me back to warm, summer nights when I felt happy and playful. I wanted to run towards the smell and breathe it in, hoping that would make me feel close to you.
The smoke was potent and addicting. It was everything you are…a beautiful drug. I clung to that smell and that fleeting moment, but the smoke faded away. I craved the smell again. I sat in my car, listening to one of my favorite songs, thinking of you. Quiet moments, entangled in thought and music are my favorite. Those moments are clear and healing. The lyrics from my favorite song are beautiful and complicated, and suddenly the words became all about you. It was impossible to escape the feelings and the butterflies.
I drove and sang. I drove and remembered every little moment, even the simple ones. The deep conversations, the late nights, the connection, the laughter, the vulnerability. All of it. I knew I was forever wrapped up in eyes that saw me when no one else did. The way you looked at me hit differently.
It was a hard pill to swallow, realizing that sometimes the person we crave the most, the moments that make us feel most alive are hard to catch and hold onto, just like smoke. Sometimes, what we want more than anything suffocates us and consumes us, like smoke in our lungs.
I arrived home and lit a candle. The flame flickered and cast a pretty silhouette on the wall. I let the candle burn for a moment. Then, I blew out the candle and allowed the smoke to envelope me. The smoke was the closest I could get to being near you. The smoke faded away and I was left with my thoughts and a glass of wine.
We live in a world obsessed with aesthetics, whether we’re talking about interior design, or what restaurant we choose to dine at based on its appearance. In a social media influencer-filled society, sometimes it’s hard not to obsess over our homes. We are constantly staring at perfect images of all-white kitchens, perfectly manicured gardens, and beautiful bedrooms. It’s important to remember that photos can be deceiving. Photos are also tiny snapshots into a person’s space…they don’t show the whole picture.
No one’s home is perfect. No matter how large, small, old, or new someone’s home is there are imperfections. Flaws exist, despite the photos someone posts of their home on social media. My husband and I own an exterior home improvement company and we see firsthand how imperfect every home is, which is actually what makes homes beautiful (they are like us…unique and flawed).
Everyone should feel safe and content in their place. Whether you’re renting, you are living in your forever home, or you own a house, but you’re unsure of how long you’re going to stay there, you should feel at peace in your space. When we moved from our apartment that we designed and built ourselves to the home we are in now, I learned that each place is special. Every home you live in will have unique features and it’s important to soak in what you love about the place you’re in. When you’re home as much as I am (I’m a stay at home mama and I run a company from home), it’s crucial to feel content. I love our home so much, but I have days when I feel discontent and I’m stressed over the little things (just like everyone else). I have several tips for feeling content in your current home…
Make a List of What you Love
When you’re in a mood and feeling discontent in your home, make a list of at LEAST four things that you love about your space. No matter where you’re living, I’m sure there’s something you love. Maybe, you love that you’re down the road from a favorite store or restaurant. You may love how many kitchen cabinets you have for storage. Do you love your outdoor space and your garden? The more you focus on what you love and what you have, the more content you’ll be.
Stop Comparing
We do this without even thinking about it. We stare at images on social media, glossy pages in magazines, or even our neighbor’s home and we instantly compare. Don’t compare your home to anyone else’s. As I discussed above, images on social media and in magazines don’t tell the entire story, and even our neighbor’s beautiful home has imperfections. Remember…every home has blemishes. If you’re looking to truly back away from the compare-and-contrast game that we play, log off of social media. Take a step away from Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, etc.
One Project at a Time
We tend to pile onto our plates and make our to-do list incredibly overwhelming. Instead of focusing on the big picture, focus on the little things. Do one project at a time. Nothing happens overnight. We all have a to-do list and projects that we want done, but there’s no rush. We create imaginary deadlines in our minds and stress over completing everything, but there’s no deadline. Take your time. I’m sure you can be creative and find a solution in the meantime if you can’t complete a home project just yet.
Create a Vibe
Your space can be such a vibe. Filling your home with the scents you love, the decor that makes you smile, and the sounds that make you feel at peace will create the vibe you want. I spend a lot of money on candles, but they instantly enhance your mood. Every morning I light a candle in the kitchen as I make my coffee. I read at night with a candle lit on my bedside table. I’m constantly playing music and podcasts that I love through a Bluetooth speaker, which makes me feel content and calm. Our large TV in our formal living room is usually lit up with a relaxing, seasonal screensaver (a beach walk in Nantucket or a cozy cabin on a lake), or even artwork. You can go onto YouTube, type in artwork, and turn your TV into a piece of art when you have guests coming over. Our home is filled with beautiful, handpicked decor that means something to us. Fill your space with what you love.
Embrace Holidays and Special Occasions
Sometimes, when you’re feeling stressed or discontent in your space you don’t want to decorate or entertain. Entertaining your favorite people in your home and decorating for holidays is such a beautiful and fun way to get out of your head and fill your home with love. I’m someone who lives for decorating for the different seasons and holidays. I just decorated for fall and it filled my heart with so much joy. My OCD has been awful this week, but embracing the new season made me feel a lot better.
I also love to host! I host a coffee club every month with my best friends and it gives me something to look forward to and it has become a favorite event of mine. Find little ways to host your friends, embrace holiday decorating, and make each moment special in your home.
Appreciate the Little Things
If you don’t take the time to appreciate the little things, you’ll never appreciate the big things once they happen. The little things, in my opinion, are the big things. Some of my favorite things in the world are so simple…such as a pretty coffee mug in the morning and a favorite candle burning. Sometimes, we want the big stuff so badly (a new deck, new flooring, a new appliance) that we completely neglect the little things (sitting outside, candles, a favorite chair to read in). Appreciate all that you have and stop focusing so much on what you don’t have. I bet you have way more than some do. The home you’re criticizing is a home someone out there would love to have.
Remember, no home is perfect. Your home is your safe place and should be lived in, loved, and I know that you can always find ways to feel content.
I know I’ve always been open and honest about my anxiety and living with anxiety daily, but the past two years have hit differently. I’ve grown and transformed as a person and during that transformative journey, my anxiety has changed as well. As you age, anxiety feels different and it affects you differently. The things, people, and issues that once bothered you no longer do. You find new and different things, people, and issues to stress and obsess over (yay). I wish I could say as I approach the end of my twenties that my anxiety has completely faded away, but that would be a lie. I would also love to say that I handle my anxiety so much better now that I’m at the age that I am, but that would also be a lie. Some days I’m graceful and other days I’m a hot mess, but no matter what I am stronger than any bad day. I’ve been through the darkest moments and have always found the light.
I’ve suffered from anxiety since I was a little girl, so to say I’m used to being an anxious person is an understatement. Sometimes, I forget how good I am at dealing with my own emotions until I take a step back and realize how much I’ve overcome and how little I’ve allowed to break me. Hard days are hard, point blank. We all have them. But, the hard days aren’t permanent and they don’t define us. They’re just a tiny piece of our story.
I also have OCD and I can truthfully say that the things that make me lose my mind are the silliest, tiniest things. I will lose sleep over something that no one else would ever even notice. Regardless of what’s triggering me and what my days look like, I’m a fiercely positive person. I’ve always been a glass-half-full kind of girl. I believe that my positivity and optimism (even on the worst days) are what has powered me through. I’m not perfect at dealing with my anxiety and OCD, but I do have a few pieces of advice that truly help me.
If you’re feeling extra anxious, take a social media break (leave Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.) behind for a while. Social media is awful for your mental health, especially when you’re feeling anxious.
Stop comparing yourself, your home, and your life to others. You are you. Your life, body, home, and career will always look slightly different than someone else’s. Instead of spending time comparing, spend time celebrating you.
Surround yourself with the things that you love…candles, books, people, places, music. Fill your days and your home with what makes you smile.
Remember that if you don’t appreciate the little things, the big things will never matter. Take the time to embrace and enjoy the little things (they’re the foundation of everything).
Meditate the anxiety away. At the beginning of the day, or the end of the day, sit somewhere quiet and meditate. I put on meditation music (or nature sounds) and I allow the negative thoughts to drift away.
Sometimes, you just need to get out of your house. Go for a drive, go get a cup of coffee, go for a walk, or wander around a store. Just take a breath elsewhere.
When you’re feeling anxious, it’s good to reroute your energy into something positive. Bake something, create something, paint something, and distract your mind.
I used to live for wild, late nights. I used to ache for a glass of Moscato after midnight and moments under the stars. I was an untamed horse, running from the pain. Pretty clothes draped over my tattoos, covering my invisible scars from past trauma. I knew how to hide it all, the fear, the pain, the anxiety, with a smile and my favorite shade of lipstick.
The years went by, creating beautiful chapters, but I still carry with me the past and every moment. Every beautiful one and every heartbreaking one remains a part of me. Growing up made me crave cozy nights and safe mornings. I love holding my coffee mug in the early hours and the scent of my favorite candle in the air. I’ve fallen in love with late-night yoga, my favorite books, and the quiet. The little things quickly become everything.
This year has been one filled with change and growth, a year that I’ll never forget. Waves have crashed violently on the shore and I’ve endured my fair share of rainstorms. Flowers have bloomed and tree roots have become stronger, gripping the earth. Tears and uncertainty have found me again, but I’m not the girl I once was. The reflection staring back at me is different. She’s a better version and a braver one. Moscato tastes different now.
During this complex chapter, there was you. You reminded me of my strength and who I am. You took me out of my comfort zone and made me crave late nights again. Without even knowing it, you changed everything for me. I wake up excited for more than just my coffee now but for the beauty of sunrises. I stay up late now for more than just turning the pages of a good book but for the moon and the adventure. I’ve learned that once you find a soul that plays well with yours, you hold onto them. They’re the greatest chapters of your story.
We both have ghosts that haunt us and parts of us that ache, but comfort is found among those we understand. Our conversations are my favorite and the pain feels far away when we’re together. My love again for the wild, late nights I owe to you. This untamed horse is no longer running from the pain, but running towards peace.
takeabiteoutofme 