If I could go back and tell myself what I know now, I’d be getting a mouthful. Life is scary and unpredictable, and nothing is permanent. I guess that’s what’s beautiful about life, but losing who you are and what you love is more painful than anything else. After I was sexually assaulted, everything changed (good and bad). I became stronger and I began living for myself, and doing what makes me happy, always. I don’t care about what anyone else thinks or if what I’m doing isn’t the norm or what’s expected of me. I want to be happy, and I hold on tightly to whoever and whatever makes me happy. Here’s an honest letter, to my high school self…
Life is going to take you on winding back roads, and on up hill climbs, and all you can do is enjoy the view. You’re going to cry alone in the dark, and it won’t be romantic or beautiful. It will suck. Sometimes, a good cry can heal your wounds. So, put on your favorite music and let the tears fall. Nothing will ever be perfect, despite expectations. Just, try to enjoy the imperfections. I’ve learned never to fear sadness or pain, because it’s inevitable. Embrace it. You’re going to be hurt by people in ways that you never could’ve imagined, and you’re going to hurt people, too. You’re going to break hearts, so be kind. You’re going to share your secrets with the ones who matter, but then there are some secrets you’ll take to your grave. You may overthink and lose sleep over choices you’ve made, but that’s life. Once you’ve made your bed, you have to sleep in it. I think one of the hardest parts about growing up is no longer being naive about life and what it consists of. When you’re little you’re shielded from the harsh truths and realities, if you’re lucky. The best approach to life, is leaving behind a thrilling slideshow for when you watch your life in flashback. You write a beautiful story for yourself, and then one day, the curtain closes…this isn’t the dress rehearsal, this is the show. Don’t waste any time or ever regret the moments; if there’s something you want to do, do it.
You’re going to fall in love with people who will consume you and make you feel alive, and timing may not be ideal. But, if it feels right you don’t need a reason. The people you love will be what’s important to you above the materialistic things in life. Fast cars and beautiful clothes are amazing, but they don’t comfort you when you’re feeling alone. They cannot compare to a warm hug from someone who loves you, or the sound of someone’s voice when you’re in desperate need of company. Despite the fact that there will be days when you want to be alone, and will wish to shut everyone out, humans need others to feel comfortable and secure. We aren’t meant to be alone, no matter how hard we try to be. You will make endless mistakes and without those mistakes, you won’t move forward. Mistakes force you to be honest with yourself. Everyone has a dark side, including yourself, and within the darkness is where the true beauty and madness hide. Sex is far better when you’re sleeping with someone you love, and it’s the ultimate connection. You’ll know by the feeling of their touch, and the moment when you kiss them and everything else fades away. But, a person who falls for not only your body, but your words too, is someone who belongs in your life. I believe that God is nature and the animals of the world. If you respect trees, flowers, and animals, you are a good person.
We all have our addictions, and in life, your addiction may become another person. This addiction can be thrilling, alluring, and something good. We can’t live life completely sober, and it’s nice to enjoy getting high off of love and the moments when a person makes you laugh and smile. To the guy who sexually assaulted you, F him. He’s not worth any more of your tears, thoughts, or nightmares…but, you still struggle with the past and that’s okay. You tuck your scars away and only share them with those you trust. I can’t stress enough, how important it is to surround yourself with beautiful things, including beautiful relationships.
Never go on a road trip with someone you don’t love, and go on as many adventures as you can. Adventures keep you alive and dreaming. Those dark nights when you found comfort in a bottle of Jack Daniels will never truly leave you, and sometimes you’re going to ache for a tall glass of wine. With each sip, let yourself heal. There is no better advocate for yourself and feelings, than yourself. Always stand up for yourself and what you want and believe in, even if no one else is listening. The fire inside you will keep you warm, even on the cold nights. The love in your heart will keep you sweet, and the dreams in your head will keep you driven. Don’t fear the mountains in the distance, or the storms. Storms are beautiful. Every person in your world has their flaws, and if you completely accept a person (the good & the bad), it means you love them for everything they are, and everything they’re not. You may even complete them, and be what they’re not. Success is wonderful and deserves a round of applause, but following your dreams (no matter where they lead) is far better. Be a beautiful cinema…this is your life, so create the story you want and don’t be afraid to live. I wish you happiness, strength, and lots of love.
Your future self